April Fools Article

PlayStation 4
Just Because You Want It Doesn’t Mean You Can Have It

This September, Sony has announced what we’ve all waited, dreamed, and screamed fangirlishly/ fanboyishly for: The Sony PlayStation 4. After the release of PlayStation 3, Sony has worked hard on its successor, the PS4. Of course, we all wonder: what could possibly get better? Well, I’m here with answers for once. That’s right kids, I finally am being productive. So shut up and listen.
The PlayStation 4 is everything its predecessor was but better. The graphics have evolved into even more realistic and breathtaking visuals, again beating out Microsoft for best graphics. Microsoft was face-palming in grief, resulting in numerous nose injuries. But after the blood was ShamWow-ed off the conference tables, Sony celebrated by telling us a little more about the new system.
“We decided that the old controllers were getting, well, old; we made new ones that track movements better, with a lot less buttons. Older players were complaining about ‘all the newfangled buttons’, so we decided to cut down,” says one of the designers working on the project. The programmers are eager for mass-production to begin so that they don’t have to do as much work.
“They can get a little annoyed with the designers ordering them around every moment with, ‘program this, program that’, so now that we’re officially releasing the system a few months from now they’ll get a long-awaited rest,” a programmer’s family explains kindly. Now we know why games have bugs. It’s Programmer’s Revenge. Anyway, with the blood and tears of the programmers, we now have an almost entirely bug-free system with insane graphics.
Hopefully, this new system will herald in a new era of gaming for us. And if Final Fantasy XIV sucks, blame it on Microsoft for once.