PlayStation 4
Just Because You Want It Doesn’t Mean You Can Have It
This September, Sony has announced what we’ve all waited, dreamed, and screamed fangirlishly/ fanboyishly for: The Sony PlayStation 4. After the release of PlayStation 3, Sony has worked hard on its successor, the PS4. Of course, we all wonder: what could possibly get better? Well, I’m here with answers for once. That’s right kids, I finally am being productive. So shut up and listen.
The PlayStation 4 is everything its predecessor was but better. The graphics have evolved into even more realistic and breathtaking visuals, again beating out Microsoft for best graphics. Microsoft was face-palming in grief, resulting in numerous nose injuries. But after the blood was ShamWow-ed off the conference tables, Sony celebrated by telling us a little more about the new system.
“We decided that the old controllers were getting, well, old; we made new ones that track movements better, with a lot less buttons. Older players were complaining about ‘all the newfangled buttons’, so we decided to cut down,” says one of the designers working on the project. The programmers are eager for mass-production to begin so that they don’t have to do as much work.
“They can get a little annoyed with the designers ordering them around every moment with, ‘program this, program that’, so now that we’re officially releasing the system a few months from now they’ll get a long-awaited rest,” a programmer’s family explains kindly. Now we know why games have bugs. It’s Programmer’s Revenge. Anyway, with the blood and tears of the programmers, we now have an almost entirely bug-free system with insane graphics.
Hopefully, this new system will herald in a new era of gaming for us. And if Final Fantasy XIV sucks, blame it on Microsoft for once.
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Saw XXIV
Because at the rate it’s going—you knew this was going to happen.
Almost everyone has heard of the widespread horror franchise ‘Saw’. Of course, though, everyone also knows that the series of movies can’t go one forever…or can it?
According to director Kevin Greutert, he will continue making movies “until mobs attack me yelling; ‘STOP, STOP! You have to have plot in a movie!’”
Most people have heard that a ‘Saw VII’ is on the way—and that that will be the end, but to our understanding, Greutert has secretly been producing movies and showing them in a remote Canadian village. From Saw 8 to Saw 23, the people of the Canadian village commented that; “The movies were far too complicated with a lack of plot…he might as well make a teenager flick…eh”. As a result, Greutert has ‘perfected’ his Saw movies, to create the absolutely perfect film—Saw XXIV.
According to our sources, the plot is incredibly simple. The current Jigsaw killer retires after realizing that murder just doesn’t amuse him like it used to. So to keep the trend going, he appoints his unnamed son to be his predecessor. His son, of course, refuses to do it…until he gets his own cell phone. Finally, his father agrees and gets him his own plan, but being a teenager, he refuses again—complaining that he “can’t do any thing without unlimited texting”. Becoming aggravated, his father grounds him for life. Not much more than that has been discovered, but apparently, the movie is supposed to be a huge hit among teens and adolescents who have something to relate too.
Our Sources, however, say that Rotten Tomatoes is going to have a field day with this movie.
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